- September 29th, 2005
A moment will come, maybe in a month, maybe in a year, maybe in several years. You'll be sick or feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or maybe even content for the first time in your life. It won't metter. Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you'll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more inportantly shifts in you. Worse, youll realize its always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you wont understand why or how. You'll have forgotten what granted you this awareness in the first place.
Old shelters-television, magazines, movies wont protect you any more. You might try scribbling in a journal or on a napkin. Thats when youll discover you no longer trust the very walls you always took for granted. Even the hallways youve walked a hundred times will feel longer, much longer, and the shadows, any shadow at all, will suddenly seem deeper, much, much deeper.
You might try then, as i did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now. Even will all that iridescent magic up there, your eye will no longer linger on the light, it will no longer trace constellations. Youll care only about that darkness and youll watch for hours, for days, maybe even for years, trying in vain to believe youre some kind of indispensable, universe-appointed sentinel, as if just by looking you could actually keep it all at bay. It will get so bad youll be afraid to look away, youll be afraid to sleep..
Then no matter where you are, in a crowded restaurant or on some desolate street or even in the comforts of your own home, youll watch yourself dismantle every assurance you ever lived by. Youll stand aside as a great complexity intrudes , tearing apart, piece by piece, all of your carefully conceived denials, whether deliberate or unconscious. And then for better or worse youll turn, unable to resist, though try to resist you still will, fighting with everything youve got not to face the thing you most dread, what is now, what will be, what has always come before, the creature you truely are, the creature we all are, buried in the nameless black of a name.
AND THEN THE NIGHTMARES BEGIN