These days are yours
big back
Take something from them.

As I left I could feel the world changing.
Or was it me?

Ha! I echoed hollowly.
big back
I wanted to crawl in between those black lines of print the way you crawl through a fence, and go to sleep under that beautiful big green fig tree.

I went cold with envy. I felt dull and flat and full of shattered visions.

I started adding up all the things I couldn't do.

The silence between us is embarrassing.

I shut my eyes and the music broke over me like a rainstorm.

I like the world just fine the way I see it.
big back
Ok, open your eyes.
I think you're more than a terrified witness.

On the way home I kept seeing for the first time
all those things that most everyone else had stopped
noticing because they'd seen them every day.

Shaken with the realization
big back
The question suddenly hit me
with a force and an eeriness that I hadn't felt before.

The laughter should have warned me.
But the traffic showed signs of moving again.

"What do you do?" I asked the man, to break the silence
shooting up around me on all sides, thick as jungle grass.

I like looking on at other people in crucial situations.
I stop and look so hard, as to never forget it.

The tropical, stale heat the sidewalks
had been sucking up all day
hit me in the face like a last insult.
I didn't know where in the world I was.

There wasn't a soul in the hall.
I let myself into my apartment.
It was full of smoke.
At first I thought the smoke had
materialized out of thin air
as some sort of judgement.

I turned around and blinked out into
the bright hallway.
I had the impression it wasn't night and it wasn't day,
but some lurid third interval that had suddenly
slipped between them and would never end.

Impenetrable possibility
big back
You changed everything I believed about love.

Brought me to heights of joy and depths of anger I'd never before felt capable of experiencing.

Meandering messes.

Cackling catastrophes.

Coalescing conversations.

Measurable memories.

Embalmed emotions.

Exalted exaggerations.

Figure it out.

How absurd.
big back
I find it kinda funny.
(I find it kinda sad.)

Some moments are surrounded with such clarity and perfection.
as if you just got new lenses in a pair of old glasses,
and could see the definition in life again.
(The definition you slowly forgot about.)

Two weeks, two days, maybe even two hours pass

and it's fucking gone again.

The end of your life as you know it hits
like a 13-year-old slamming his door
in the middle of an argument
with his parents about what they found
in his secret hiding spot.

After the door is shut
you just can't remember anymore.
Old vices remind you of places you can't go
but only hope to.

I'm sorry I don't know how to do this.

a shot in the arm
big back
i had a friend who changed his name
but couldnt change himself
never quite figured out how
to deal with what life
had dealt
he put a needle in his arm
to calm his handsome hell
who would have imagined
it could've worked out so well?
now he's a shape
that moves like echoes through
my room
and there's a voice the speaks
like someone is right behind me
i turn around
and found exactly what you
would expect
the clothes i left on my floor
the paper piled on my desk
the story is incomplete
the picture is left unfinished

no one plans to sleep
in the gutter
sometimes that's just
the most comfortable

big back
your heels are so high
and my hopes are so low
cause im not just not sure
i'll take you home after
and if you like,
ill tell you lies
of how we will fall in love
by morning
i dont think you'll know
i'm saying goodbye

big back
A moment will come, maybe in a month, maybe in a year, maybe in several years. You'll be sick or feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or maybe even content for the first time in your life. It won't metter. Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you'll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more inportantly shifts in you. Worse, youll realize its always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you wont understand why or how. You'll have forgotten what granted you this awareness in the first place.
Old shelters-television, magazines, movies wont protect you any more. You might try scribbling in a journal or on a napkin. Thats when youll discover you no longer trust the very walls you always took for granted. Even the hallways youve walked a hundred times will feel longer, much longer, and the shadows, any shadow at all, will suddenly seem deeper, much, much deeper.
You might try then, as i did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now. Even will all that iridescent magic up there, your eye will no longer linger on the light, it will no longer trace constellations. Youll care only about that darkness and youll watch for hours, for days, maybe even for years, trying in vain to believe youre some kind of indispensable, universe-appointed sentinel, as if just by looking you could actually keep it all at bay. It will get so bad youll be afraid to look away, youll be afraid to sleep..
Then no matter where you are, in a crowded restaurant or on some desolate street or even in the comforts of your own home, youll watch yourself dismantle every assurance you ever lived by. Youll stand aside as a great complexity intrudes , tearing apart, piece by piece, all of your carefully conceived denials, whether deliberate or unconscious. And then for better or worse youll turn, unable to resist, though try to resist you still will, fighting with everything youve got not to face the thing you most dread, what is now, what will be, what has always come before, the creature you truely are, the creature we all are, buried in the nameless black of a name.


(no subject)
big back
no more phone conversations with people who don't care. no more best friends falling apart


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